English to Toddler-English Dictionary

Toddler asks:
Mommy, can I touch the baby?

Meaning:
Mother, I want to molest the baby. She is a doll that I must invite to my tea party, but before doing so, the baby must take a trip to the salon.. but hear hear! I am the hairdresser, and have been for 4 years. I also must drop this little realistic doll to the opstetrician, that I too have majored in. I will find great pleasure in poking her eyes out with my streptococcal infected finger nails.


Toddler asks:
Mommy did the baby pooh... can I see?

Meaning:
Mother, I have quite a fancy with fecal matter, not just my own, but this little doll that fell out of your crotch. I must take it too my room so that I can analyze it with my home science kit.


Toddler asks:
Mommy, can I hold the baby?

Meaning:
Mother, let me hold the baby while you do the dishes. I solemly swear that I will not drag her up the stairs by the leg, nor will I prescribe her my delectibly home-brewed tea made from your magical cleaning ingredients hidden under the sink.


Toddler asks:
Mommy can I kiss the baby?

Meaning:
Mother, I just ate peanut butter and I want to determine if this sensationalist news on food allergies is correct. Just think, if your baby succumbs to death, imagine how many lives you will save in the future!!


Toddler asks:
Mommy can I play with the baby?

Meaning:
Mother, I am going to conduct a scientific procedure to discover how many shakes it took that British Nanny to gelatanize the center of a baby's head.