Vocabulary

There has been this word, quite new sounding (to me) but seems to have been around for quite some time. For about the past month or so I hear the word about once a day. I have been to fucking lazy to look it up. Actually lazy isn't the best description, more like forgetful. Anyways, it's been following me around for quite some time. Taunting me to look up the definition, once I do, the little bastard will back off. Since I assume that people have the same kind of experience with word stalking, here is the new word I learned:

Main Entry: fod·der
Pronunciation: 'fä-d&r
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English fOdor; akin to Old High German fuotar food
1 : something fed to domestic animals; especially : coarse food for cattle, horses, or sheep
2 : inferior or readily available material used to supply a heavy demand


Now I hope I experience some sort of closure, or and end to the stalking escapades, and I pray that I can turn on my t.v. and internet without hearing this damned word.

Damn you fodder, your so delicious, and make us regular. And damn blogger, it won't let me post pictures.

Leprechaun

There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss.
The big guy couldn't help but notice the enormous size of the little guy's penis. He said to the little guy "I'm not gay or anything but how how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?"
The little guy replied "Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick this up your ass."
The big guy thought to himself "Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass." He said "OK, my wish is for a million dollars."
The leprechaun said "bend over." and proceeded to have his way with the football player.
When it was over, the big guy exclaimed "I can't believe you got all that up in me."
The little guy said "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!"

Category "C"

Over the weekend I went to the theatre and watched Doom. I don't really want to comment on the actual movie, but more on the target audience.

Personally I have never played Doom. But when I saw the crowd that trickled in, I couldn't help but laugh because the stereotype that surrounds video game geeks is just about true. There were guys that didn't have girlfriends and went with a group of buddies. It was a strange sort of cult like those that belong to LOTR fans, or Star Wars fans. I felt somewhat unclean. I also spied on a number of couples that the guys could only get their girlfriends to attend because The Rock was in it.

Since I went with my husband I probably appear to fit into the second catagory. But to be honest, The Rock always resembled Rob Schneider. His receding hairline also seems to be receding strangely. Not only is it creeping backwards in the front, but the back of his head seems to be climbling upwards. His head is like that of a cone. The hairline accentuates this "cone-ing" look. Now it could either be just his hair, or he was a big baby, and his mother was a real trooper in squeezing out this massive watermelon.

Since I claim I don't belong to category A or B, I will create category "C" This category actually likes action movies. Also gore. Zombies are fantastic. Some science talk is fun. Boobs are also fun. If you are a male falling into category "C" you probably scream whenever you see two men kiss. But category "C" women like it and laugh insanely at the men's disgust.

Dear Internet.....

Last night I found myself surfing the internet. I didn't surf any evil websites like that of pornography, where I would end up gracefully touching myself in a sinful manner. I didn't watch any video's showing violent car crashes or people getting run over by cars. I didn't play any games, or read email.
What happened last night was something different. I was pushing the button to which was similar to the lottery. I was pushing a sensitive button, it wasn't on me, but on the computer..... That's right. It's known as "Next Blog" To my surprise, I was only getting a bunch of advertising websites. Some for shampoo, some for delicious Spam (how ironic) and some for vaginas. Now don't get me wrong, shampoo is the greatest thing to hit the human race since the wheel and sliced bread. But I felt a little concerned because it was difficult to find a live persons blog. I became even more concerned when I realized that it was probably just as hard for people to find my blog. No one would be graced with my quality (ha) writing.

After being plagued with pop-ups, blogs that were covered in squares, and nascar advertisings, I decided to get some revenge. I started clicking the "other" button. I pushed it about 50 times until my index finger was sore, throbbing, and just about bleeding. I am not sure what I was trying to accomplish, maybe erradicate blogger of spammers one flag at a time.

I now think I have "Flagger's Remorse" I thought about small businesses trying to run a company with the little amount of money they had. I thought about their 4 kids who all needed to be clothed in Dolce & Gabanna, and needed to attend private schools. I thought about the gas guzzling cars such as SUV's and Ferrari's that these poor business owners needed to drive. I thought about the wives that needed another botox injection or perhaps a boob lift.... heck maybe even both. I thought about their massive mortgage, and how are they ever going to pay the pool boy for cleaning the pool and wife's plumbing.

Internet, let me get to my point, I don't think I can go on with my day until I know that what I did, wasn't an evil thing. I can't go back and undo what's been done, because I never wrote down any of these blogs. Oh Internet, please advise........

Camping

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"
"Hell no!" the guy said.
The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"
The man said, "Of course not."
"Wanna go camping?"

The Bunny and His Bodyguards.

The bunny has returned.... or it never left. But I did see him again. And I wasn't alone. I had my daughter and husband in the car with me.

It was a brisk sunday afternoon (also known as yesterday) and we were heading out to do some errands. Upon exiting our neighbourhood, the husband (also known as a ball and chain) spotted an animal. Not a run-of-the-mill cat, dog, or the infamous bunny, but a chicken. He slammed on the brakes.
"Did you see that?"
"What?"
"A hen"
"What?"
"I saw a hen, did you see that?"
"No.... back up lemme see."

Low in behold, there he was. A huge chicken. Not a fluffy white, egg laying chicken. But a big, black, red capped, scary chicken.

"Look at that, there's more under the bush"
"Oh my god," I said "There's like 5 of em'"

We sat in silence, while my daughter screamed on about zombies coming to the car...

"Oh my god.... there's that rabbit I almost ran over."
"Where?"
"Right there, next to the big chicken... I almost hit it like 2 weeks ago."
"It's a hen."
"What?"
"It's not a chicken, GravityDrop, it's a hen"
"It's the same thing..."
"A hen is a girl."
"So are chickens, roosters are males."

And so went the argument for the next 10 minutes.

But yes, I saw the rabbit, with it's evil eyes, dirty paws, and hired bodyguards. All five hired body guards that would either pluck out my eyes, navy seal style. Or possibly just give me that chicken flu everyone is talking about. I was afraid. Even in my car with the windows rolled up. I promised everyone a blood bath, and I chickened out (no pun intended) I am hoping that soon, he will succumb to the cold outside.



After researching the internet dictionary... I think we were both wrong, or right...
chick·en
n.

1- The common domestic fowl (Gallus domesticus) or its young.
2- Any of various similar or related birds.
3- The flesh of the common domestic fowl.


hen
n.

1- A female bird, especially the adult female of the domestic fowl.
2- The female of certain aquatic animals, such as an octopus or lobster.
3- Slang. A woman, especially a fussy or nosy old woman.


roost·er
n.

An adult male chicken.
An adult male of other birds.
A person regarded as cocky or pugnacious.

The Spam Exam

I decided to bait out spammers.
Here is what I posted this morning for 5 minutes.

Test fucking test.........


testy test tester
blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
penis blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
blah blah blah
shit test testy

I got 7 hits and low in behold I got a comment!!!

Anonymous said...
Fantastic blog you got here, I fully anticipate stopping back for some great updates. I have a nascar site. It covers everything about nascar and the 2005 Nascar schedule, how to get tickets to all racing events, info on all your favorite drivers, and race track info. Stop by and check it out when you can.
Rod

Besides it being ironic that he posted as anonymous and left his name at the end of the comments isn't important. My test was to make these little ding-dongs public.

So I would like to thank Sitemeter for the pictures that will follow.

The first one shows my 7 hits from spammers..... in the matter of 2 minutes.

Here is some detailed information about some of these spammers:

This one of course is not work safe, as you can tell by my warning. As revenge I flagged his blog, however I doubt it will help.

As a novelty I will keep "Rods" comment posted (in the comments link) so you all can be graced with it's un-intelligent decision to post on my Spam Exam article.

Let's Carve Pumpkins

It's that time of year again. It's time to get creative and make the coolest pumpkin ever.
Forget the basic foofoo triangle eyes and sinister grin from yesteryear. You need to buy some tools to help with your ability to break yourself out of the 8 year-old downs-syndrome-weed-smoked- induced jack-o-lanterns.

Ok, what you need is a knife.... actually many knives, it won't be for decoration, but you will be using them on the pumpkin. Please also refrain from drinking or eating mushrooms as this amount of ammo will deem dangerous in the midst of an angry loved one.

The main knife is for carving, it looks like a really thin saw made for a jigsaw or bandsaw.



The other knife is widely known as an exacto knife. Craft knives are better but I couldn't find a picture.





Now you need to find a design. You can draw anything. This year I will be drawing a skull so I can satisfy my bloodlust for evil things. And also a Dora one to satisfy the little kiddies.

First thing to do is empty the internal organs of the pumpkin. This will include seeds and slimy entrails. I recommend you cut a hole in the bottom so its more visually satisfying and easy to insert a candle, through his newly cut anus.

Once you have murdered your pumpkin and safely discarded the entrails in a biohazard bin we can start scraping the walls in the inside. This is done by scraping the inside of the pumpkin (who knew!!) with a spoon. This will thin the inner flesh making it easier to carve the pumpkin; it also allow the light to shine through better.

Another way to create dimension to your work is to include some completly carved areas and other areas that just have the outer skin removed. When you just remove the outer layer of the skin, this is where most of the "scraping" is benefitted (as described above.)

When you decide to just remove the out layer of the skin, this is where you will use the exacto knife. Make sure blades are sharp, and try and refrain from shaving your face or girlfriends pubic region.

Now you may say, "Gravitydrop, I don't have any artist that lies inside me, or even beside me. Whatever shall I do?"
I will just smile and say, "Raid your printer at work and print out some pictures. At which point you will take this printed item and tape it to your pumpkin. Get a sewing needle and very carefully trace your drawing, (in a stabbing motion) piercing the skin of your pumpkin."
Please note you should keep the sewing needle away from your eyes, and genitals.
Once this (timely and annoying) task is done, you can then start carving, cutting, gouging,stabbing, whatever you need to do to get the job done.
Most of this should be done about 1-2 days in advance (no longer or it gets moldy) and you can keep it fresh by rubbing some lemon on the cut areas. The ascorbic acid will keep it from going moldy and turning brown.

Now all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the praise. Albeit from 3 and 4 year olds, but hey I will accept any love that I can get.

Backup

Well, it seems my entire blog got magically deleted. Not sure how or why, but had I not had a backup of my blog on my computer I would have been royally screwed.
So here's my lesson for the day folks. Save a backup of your blog on your computer.
The best way is to copy and paste your entire template onto notepad. Notepad is located under the startup menu>programs>accessories>notepad.
This tip is also useful for when your doing any drastic renovations to your template.

I have re-created most of the (art)work that was lost, but I have a couple of other things to fix. Hopefully I will be done by the end of today.

Anywhooooo, enjoy my gif for boobies, located below. Actually it was posted yesterday, but no one had access because of my "magically" deleted blog.

Hooray For Boobies

I See Dead Bunnies

My drives home from the gym, are proving to be quite the nightmare.
With winter just around the corner the evenings are getting darker earlier. I have lost my balance with telling time via sunlight, so all I can say is, it was dark when I was driving home. Patches of fog were seen rolling along the valleys of grass along the road. The roads were quiet, and empty. The skies were clear, and I could see the stars shining like little metallic daggers in the sky. They were wavering at me. Taunting me. Trying to stab me. I am afraid of the sky, and I wish for rainy days.

Anyways, I was driving home, enjoying my music and I turned on to my road, when out of nowhere I see a little white bunny that darts out in front of me. Not just any bunny, it was a magic bunny that was buried in The Pet Cemetary. Not just "a" pet cemetary, but "The" Pet Cemetary, the one's where the little animals come back, and stay your friend forever. This magic bunny was my bunny. I recognized the little white tail, and blue eye. To be honest I don't even think I buried him in The Pet Cemetary, but in my backyard. My backyard is the porthole to hell, or reincarnation, or resusitation, or some creepy shit. But the point is here I saw my bunny, and he followed me to my new home.

His fluffy white fur was glowing, and he was zig-zagging in front of me. It was very cosmic, and I got a buzzing feeling in my head....I tried to remain calm and think if I drank anything from strangers who might have spiked my drink with delicious acid. This is the same bunny that died last Easter weekend (of all days) My bunny (also known as Saucer) was running along the street, beckoning me to kill him (again)
I slammed on my brakes, and Saucer stopped. And then hippity hopped. Then ran, I kept driving, hoping the little bunny knew how to run across the street and not in front of my car.

Finally the ghost bunny found his way across the street and stopped. I drove by, afraid to stop, or rescue him. Ghost bunnies are dangerous because they will steal your soul, or first born child. Since I only have one child, I figured it best to keep the little hellraiser bunny right where he was. Maybe I should go back and kill him twice, just to be safe. I mean the little devil bunny found the energy to rise from the dead, maybe he wants to take me to hell with him? Dear god I hope the little bastard didn't follow me home.

I can picture the devil bunny following me home, and torturing me. The little whore bunny would shack up with a hot young bunny slut and have litters of bouncing baby bunnykins. They will eat my grass and say "Gravity Drop your sod is sweet, young, and tender. We are going to eat all of your 99% weed free sod........" and then they chuckle with the bunny chuckle that causes your ear drums to burst. (Bunny chuckles sound like little babies being stabbed)....... At this point I will fall to my knees and pound my fists on the up-rooted sod and soil and cry. When I regain conciousness I will discover that my child is missing just like the grass. I cannot imagine, what will happen to my baby, but I think she will face the same demise as my sweet young sod. I will scream and blackout a second time, hoping that this time I will never awake again.

I checked my rearview mirror. I saw no evidence of fuzzy blurs passing my vision. I breathed a sigh of relief. Tomorrow I will return, and re-kill my bunny. This must be done for my sanity and my sweet tender grass. I must plan wisely, because this will be a blood bath. Yes it will.