Let's Carve Pumpkins

It's that time of year again. It's time to get creative and make the coolest pumpkin ever.
Forget the basic foofoo triangle eyes and sinister grin from yesteryear. You need to buy some tools to help with your ability to break yourself out of the 8 year-old downs-syndrome-weed-smoked- induced jack-o-lanterns.

Ok, what you need is a knife.... actually many knives, it won't be for decoration, but you will be using them on the pumpkin. Please also refrain from drinking or eating mushrooms as this amount of ammo will deem dangerous in the midst of an angry loved one.

The main knife is for carving, it looks like a really thin saw made for a jigsaw or bandsaw.



The other knife is widely known as an exacto knife. Craft knives are better but I couldn't find a picture.





Now you need to find a design. You can draw anything. This year I will be drawing a skull so I can satisfy my bloodlust for evil things. And also a Dora one to satisfy the little kiddies.

First thing to do is empty the internal organs of the pumpkin. This will include seeds and slimy entrails. I recommend you cut a hole in the bottom so its more visually satisfying and easy to insert a candle, through his newly cut anus.

Once you have murdered your pumpkin and safely discarded the entrails in a biohazard bin we can start scraping the walls in the inside. This is done by scraping the inside of the pumpkin (who knew!!) with a spoon. This will thin the inner flesh making it easier to carve the pumpkin; it also allow the light to shine through better.

Another way to create dimension to your work is to include some completly carved areas and other areas that just have the outer skin removed. When you just remove the outer layer of the skin, this is where most of the "scraping" is benefitted (as described above.)

When you decide to just remove the out layer of the skin, this is where you will use the exacto knife. Make sure blades are sharp, and try and refrain from shaving your face or girlfriends pubic region.

Now you may say, "Gravitydrop, I don't have any artist that lies inside me, or even beside me. Whatever shall I do?"
I will just smile and say, "Raid your printer at work and print out some pictures. At which point you will take this printed item and tape it to your pumpkin. Get a sewing needle and very carefully trace your drawing, (in a stabbing motion) piercing the skin of your pumpkin."
Please note you should keep the sewing needle away from your eyes, and genitals.
Once this (timely and annoying) task is done, you can then start carving, cutting, gouging,stabbing, whatever you need to do to get the job done.
Most of this should be done about 1-2 days in advance (no longer or it gets moldy) and you can keep it fresh by rubbing some lemon on the cut areas. The ascorbic acid will keep it from going moldy and turning brown.

Now all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the praise. Albeit from 3 and 4 year olds, but hey I will accept any love that I can get.