Centipedes
Centipedes, they are nasty little fuckers. This is one that I have seen numerous times in the houses I have lived in.
They are indeed centipedes but when you see these monsters scurry across the floor they look like a small mouse, only with antennas and with extra legs. I have woken up to one on my pillow before only to unsuccessfully kill it because they move faster than my grandma taking a bottle of ex-lax. After lying in my bed I get that feeling of disgust and sheer dirtiness. I am sure most of us have had that feeling. My mother calls it the “creepy crawlies” The only way I can describe it is you want to bathe in a vat of acid and scrub yourself with a steel wool pad until your flesh falls from the bone.
These things are so nasty I am almost (almost) afraid to sleep naked. Why? Because I am afraid that one of these hairy phallic objects will crawl inside my ass and lay eggs. I can picture it now, well 9 months from now. I give birth to 20,000 centipedes and try to convince my husband they are all indeed his. Shit imagine naming them. Christmas would be expensive. Nursing would be painful.
I also used to have a fear for a while that bugs would crawl inside my ears and get stuck. I would wake up in the middle of the night beating the shit out of my own head and digging my finger in my ear right up to my wrist in fear of some probing, brain-washing scientologist.
Another bug that frequents my house is the beetle. I am not talking about those behemoth fuckers that will bite off your head. These are tiny little beetles that look like a small black version of the ladybug. Those don’t bother me much.
I have also seen spiders, ants, flies, mice, blah blah blah. Who cares about these things, they pale in comparison to the bloody centipede.
House Centipedes can also bite and are apparently harmless. Bullshit I say. If a bug that has more hair than I do bites me, I am gonna scream bloody murder and cut off the appendage its bitten, in fear of turning into a centipede vampire when the clock strikes midnight.
So in light of the subject I have “doctored” up some cartoons. Enjoy.
They are indeed centipedes but when you see these monsters scurry across the floor they look like a small mouse, only with antennas and with extra legs. I have woken up to one on my pillow before only to unsuccessfully kill it because they move faster than my grandma taking a bottle of ex-lax. After lying in my bed I get that feeling of disgust and sheer dirtiness. I am sure most of us have had that feeling. My mother calls it the “creepy crawlies” The only way I can describe it is you want to bathe in a vat of acid and scrub yourself with a steel wool pad until your flesh falls from the bone.
These things are so nasty I am almost (almost) afraid to sleep naked. Why? Because I am afraid that one of these hairy phallic objects will crawl inside my ass and lay eggs. I can picture it now, well 9 months from now. I give birth to 20,000 centipedes and try to convince my husband they are all indeed his. Shit imagine naming them. Christmas would be expensive. Nursing would be painful.
I also used to have a fear for a while that bugs would crawl inside my ears and get stuck. I would wake up in the middle of the night beating the shit out of my own head and digging my finger in my ear right up to my wrist in fear of some probing, brain-washing scientologist.
Another bug that frequents my house is the beetle. I am not talking about those behemoth fuckers that will bite off your head. These are tiny little beetles that look like a small black version of the ladybug. Those don’t bother me much.
I have also seen spiders, ants, flies, mice, blah blah blah. Who cares about these things, they pale in comparison to the bloody centipede.
House Centipedes can also bite and are apparently harmless. Bullshit I say. If a bug that has more hair than I do bites me, I am gonna scream bloody murder and cut off the appendage its bitten, in fear of turning into a centipede vampire when the clock strikes midnight.
So in light of the subject I have “doctored” up some cartoons. Enjoy.
this article was regurgitated by -------- Gravity Drop at 9:03 AM
3 Comments:
Teabagging you say??
Hmmm that gives me an idea about something similar.
I have a story about nose picking to post on Monday. Ha ha.
This blog has consumed my life and I am slacking at work.
How about a shmentapide. A man with 20,000 penises. What's scarier?
I can't imagine teabagging that hahahaha
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