The Grocery Shopping Occurance.

Grocery shopping has turned in to a (mis)adventure.
Here is my Sunday morning.
"Ok I am going grocery shopping"
at which point my daughter hear's this and insists that she must come for the better of mankind,
"Mother, I must join you at the stellar jaunt to the grocery store, so I can remind you to purchase candy, chips, juice, more candy, chocolate, candy coated crackhead cereal, and an uber amount of ass wipe"
"If I take you, you have to sit in the cart and be good....you cannot come out of the cart, because you will get lost with all the swarming people. And they will run you over with their souped up carts, covered in stickers from their sponsers and juiced up with high octane gas."
"Mother, I can promise this to you now, but I must insist, it is an empty promise because as soon as I get in the store, your defences will bow down to my earsplitting conniption fit."

Upon arrival to the store, I rememeber that I have forgotten a quarter to which I must despence into the cart in order to go grocery shopping. I now note that I have no change other than that of 4 pennies sitting on the car floor. After I string out a number of four letter words..... I spot an abondoned cart on the other side of the parking lot. I rip my daughter out of the car........ we run through the parking lot, pushing old women over, and drop kicking children. Success! I have gotten my free cart.

Into the store, it is a massive traffic jam full of carts. I move through the isles as fast as I can. Packing in broccoli, red pepper, the bananas are on sale....... nothing is left. Fuck those monkeys and their monkey loving banana molesting abilities...... damn them all.

I am also convinced that as soon as I walk into the store everyone's psychic ability kick's in to piss me off, as these people feel the need to leave their carts in the middle of the isle, to which no one can pass. I stand there looking, turning my head like I am possessed by the devil. Who keeps doing this?! I move the cart, a women comes up to me giving me squinty eyes like I am trying to steal her child.
"Whatever," I think to myself...... no wait.... I punched her in the nose and left her to whither in the ground in a pool of blood..... stop leaving your cart in the middle of the isle!!!!!!!!

"Mother, might I call attention to the fact that you need to pick up some tampons because you are bleeding....I imagine that you don't want to make a monstrosity of the bed again......... or the unholy mess on the bathroom floor for that matter."
"Ok, Ok thank you, here have some candy coated crackhead cereal..........." How the hell does this three year old kid remember so much is beyond me.


We line up after circling the store 4 times to locate the items in the labyrinth of a store. We package our items to which my daughter perists she must help me bag the food stuffs.
"Mother, I am going to push this red button which moves the belt with our food allowance, I will push it with the upmost glee and exuberance that everyone will think I am an angel... but it is my prescribed duty to squish all the food once it hits the wall."
"Sweetheart don't push that button"
"I will not! And I might remind you that if you yell or hit me someone will communicate concern to child services."
"Ok, your going back into the cart........."
"Damn you, damn you mother.... I assisted you with this blood-bath of a shopping spree and you abondon me in this fashion..... this is unacceptable.... you are going to pay dearly when we get home, just you wait!!!"


I pay for the groceries only to discover that I have insufficient funds. I brought no extra credit cards, no cash, nothing. I bite my nails. Ummmmm. Okay.
"Let's try again....." I say.
I experiment with my account and try withdrawing from my savings account. I wait for it to clear. I wait some more.
"Mother! Mother what is the hold up over there, let's go!!"
"please clear, please clear, please clear......."
The funds go through. Nothing happens. No cheering, no applause, nothing. It was very anti-climatic.


The ride home was uneventful. Thank Goodness.

Upon investigation of my account when I get home I realize that I transferred all my money to the wrong account.

I have also learned that Asian people don't drink milk. I have come to this conclusion because our store location charges 6 dollars for 3 litres of milk. I don't know where they are getting their dietary needs for calcium.... but it's a disgusting price for milk.