Chapter 4

Now that Queer Duck had exploded into the Main stream media as a mega star and blurring the lines of porno and TV, Queer Duck had heard nothing but words of praise.

He was seen dating A-list female stars, further boosting his ratings. At this point in his career, Queer Duck was nothing more than an "image" on the screen. No one had thought it was possible for Queer Duck to be in fact, "Queer"

Many women he dated didn't stay around very long...and not offering any form of explanation as to why the couple had broken up....The Media portrayed Queer Duck as most eligible batcheler and was just living the scene.

He did however have a two year courtship with Britney Spears before her marriage with Kevin Federline. Speculations had arised that Britney was a man and that's why Queer Duck had such a long relationship with her. But due to her pregnancy with Kevin Federline those rumours quickly became just that, rumours.
Other rumours quickly arised after pregnancy that Britney either wasn't having sex with her previous boyfriend Queer Duck (further proving her innocence as a virgin) or she was a super freak in the sack thus satisfying Queer Ducks male-lusting urges to have violent anal sex.
Rumours or not, Queer Duck wasn't very happy when he reached the pinnacle of his success, he remained unhappy for the four years he was in the media spotlight. Near the end of those four years Queer Duck was going to make a movie that would create a fork in the road for him. Perhaps for the worse or for the better......

Chapter 3

As previously discussed in chapter 2, Queer Duck had broken into the pornography industry by mistake.
He quickly became famous with his great acting ability. Soon A-listers were requesting him by name to be the lead male in movies.

He starred with the Flintstones and the Jetsons:












When Futurama came out it was one of his bigger roles that was able to be aired on the TV waves due to its soft porn quality. Most programs edited out the raunchy bits making 65 year old women think that Queer Duck was the next Paul Newman or Cary Grant. They had no idea that he was the leading male penis in the Porno Industry.

Where ever Queer Duck made an appearance, toothless grandmothers and middle aged soccor moms would break out in fights. There would be canes, dentures, and expensive cardigans littering the streets afterwards. The police needed to be called, and clean-up crews would be needed....it became expensive to the tax-payers who had to fork over the cash whenever Queer Duck came to town. But no one seemed fazed by it, because on lookers and fans remained to flock in droves to catch a glimpse of this feathered fornicator.

This diversity created a bigger explosion to allow Queer Duck to transform to the silver screen and to mainstream television shows as Family Guy and The Simpsons:

However this balloon wasn't going to keep soaring. The thin air was eventually going to pop the Ego of this Big Headed Queer Duck.....

Chapter 2

Queer Duck was just a teenager when he made a movie with one of his clients which became an underground hit with pedophiles.
It quickly leaked out into the media's hands and jizzed all over the laps of the multi-billion dollar a year porno industry as a cult classic.

It aired in theatres for over 28 months, one theatre played it around the clock, creating the largest pool of semen on a theatre floor. It was rumoured that a baby had died in the milky white goo, after a baby-sitting father had fallen asleep after masturbating to the Queer Duck movie.

Queer Duck became famous so quickly, and it made him rich beyond his pea-brained mind, that he didn't bother to charge the man, who under Hollywood laws, violently raped him.

He wore heavy make-up (He was dressed as a turkey) and his amazing acting ability drove more directors to cast him with many leading roles. We have supplied a couple of shots that are safe for viewing but as you can tell by the content it does get much more explicit.

Feathers

After this first movie he was thrusted into the hands of A-list cartoon celebrities which we will further explore in Chapter 3......

Queer Duck Saga: Chapter 1

This story was created for a prank that was played to someone at my workplace. I have decided to post the story here.
The quick introduction is this: Its about a duck named Queer Duck, I made about a 100 comics/jokes of him, and everyone couldn't figure out if he was gay or if Queer Duck was indeed just a nickname for an employee here. So in order to clear up any confusion I wrote this 5 part story. I have also changed names in the story so please don't try and track me down.




Before Queer Duck became employed at H&D Ltd he did have a life beyond Sam and H&D.........

We will begin with his birth. It was quick, loud and rather bloody. Queer Duck was born so quickly it almost created an explosion.

Queer Duck was raised by his father, as his mother died after giving birth to him. Probably explaining that such a strong father figure drove him to being gay.

Queer Duck was originally known as the "Ugly little Ducky that came out of his Mama's Oyster"


Ugly duck became Queer Duck thru years of tormenting from his brothers and father, fueling the fire to becoming gay.


Queer Duck quickly moved out when he was 15 and moved to Hollywood.
Without food or clothing or money he was young, scared, and fresh meat to dirty men. Queer Duck ended up getting pimped by an older gentleman. This gentleman gave him food, clothing, and a warm place to stay for a trade of violent anal sex 3 times a week.



After 2 years Queer Duck was no longer needed as he was now too old for pedophiles. Queer Duck was disposed of in the trash. He had no knowledge of how to take care of himself, everything was taken care of when he lived with his pimp. He didn't even know how to do his own laundry. Queer duck was forced to live on the streets and swindle money out of the donations boxes at the local convenient store. However his luck was about to change for the better, during his two year bout with prostitution he made a movie with one fellow........


Stay Tuned for Chapter Two

My Little Pony

My Little Pony, a favourite toy when I was growing up. She is now making a comeback for a second time. Only this time she has a new image, a bad image. She is a dirty little donkey who is completly plastic, dressed in pink, and wears more makeup than Tammy Faye-Baker ......

Crabs

The man who just keeps on giving. How splendid.

Fishing

This little doozy is to continue with the whole worm
thing.

Creamed

If you can't read the sign it says "Some asshole talking on his cellphone got creamed"
This made me chuckle out loud. But it's very serious because I have been witness to the capability of driving while talking on the phone. It just can't be done. It's like your driving drunk.

Hit and Run

My poor bunny also died on Easter Weekend. But it wasn't this tragic way.

Ninja Powers Continue To Dwindle

Should I clear cookies or history......oh the dilemma's, actually I have nothing to talk about today so I will just post some cartoons I found..........of course when I find the time.......damn you people stop going on vacation!!!

Broccoli

The people we know as the Etruscans, who came from what is now Turkey, seem to have begun the known cultivation of broccoli almost three thousand years ago.
Broccoli was introduced to the U.S. in the 1920's as a "new" vegetable.
Broccoli is part of the cabbage family (along with caulifower, kale, collard greens, etc)
If you grow broccoli they say to remember to rotate your crops. Planting brassicas, of any kind, in the same ground more often than once every four years runs the risk of clubroot infestation--and once you get that, the ground is useless for up to a decade.

Yep, broccoli. I eat a lot of it. Close to 3 pounds a week. Or about a cup a day. Normally I just toss it into my eggs. (Eggs is another thing I eat a lot of, about 4 dozen a week, oh and sweet red pepper, I eat about 5 of those a week) A combination of these items makes for a great dutch oven.


Why do I put myself thru such torture? well cos it's healthy, that's why. I could also eat asparagus, but its pricey and I am not fond of the texture. It's like munching on mushrooms which in turn is like chewing on a person's earlobe. I enjoy broccoli because most dark green veggies taste like your chewing on aspirin, very bitter.

Cleaning the broccoli can prove to be difficult, I have found and probably eaten a number of these:


Yes fucking worms, caterpillars, nematodes, those suckers are everywhere. Normally they are dead when I come across them but it still makes me want to toss my cookies.


A website that is very interesting is Nutrition Data, it houses the nutrition information for almost any food you can think of. For your pleasure, and because I know you bastards are lazy I got the info for broccoli.

Funny, I was just thinking about a girl I knew who had a thick french accent.

"I wuz with this guy and we were fooling around, and I was massaging his ass." She says smoking a cigarette
"uh-huh" I sounded interested, because she was talking to me after all.
"And I see dis, these broccoli's things, in his ass...." she says with a scrunchy disgusted face.
"o.k.............." At this point I was processing what she had said. Why the fuck would a grown man have the urge to stick broccoli in his ass. Was he just severely sick?? you know like he had diarrhea....or did he literally shove that plant in his anus. What end did he insert? The stem end or the flower end????? I sat there with a blank look thinking. I was in Lolly-pop land, and she noticed because she was still talking about some bull-shit and hadn't responded with my monotonous uh-huh's
"Gravity?"
"Yes," I said, "why did he have broccoli in his ass??"
She laughed at me, "hahahaa." It was such a mocking tone, and full of that nasal sound that I can't stand that I wanted to take that smoldering cigarette and shove it in her ear. "Not the food. He had dis, this bumps."
"I see......" I was too enamoured with the fact that broccoli could be a sex toy. Wouldn't the little flowers break off and get lodged in the crevices of your anus?
French girl continues on, "It was deesgusting, I couldn't have sex wid him."
Finally, after some great ponderings and imaginary sexcapades, I realized what she was talking about.



All about ass broccoli.

Circle

It's funny how things come full circle, I was doing a search on the net and came upon this gem.



This in case you didn't know is a great Urban Legend which was quite interesting. This supposedly came from eating raw fish. Now I personally have never experienced the joy of eating raw fish, be it the swimming animal or a pretty lady.



I am going to venture beyond the fish and talk about worms or nematodes. I was quite amazed to learn that these things are everywhere, just like bugs. Normally they are microscopic and you can't see them. After reading a description about these little critters: Round bodied, elongate, cylindrical and unsegmented. I instantly thought of this.






All jokes aside, elephantiasis comes from a worm. A disease also known as Lymphatic Filariasis, it attacks the the lymph nodes and causes the swellings, something I didn't know, I just thought these guys made interesting pictures and were mocked on the internet for having the hugest nuts ever.













Another interesting worm is Guinea Worm. I saw this on TV about 3 or 4 years ago and was disturbed by it. Basically it's a worm that grows inside of you after ingested. It penetrates the walls of the intestine and grows for 10 to 14 months and about 2 to 3 feet long and emerges through your skin, normally in the lower limbs.












Back to kidding again I can only think of one parasitic parasite that wouldn't totally give me the heebie jeebies. But again of course it depends who really the carrier is.


Want to learn more?
My Sources

Down by the Beach

It doesn't rain at the beach. Well it does, but it takes a long lunch break.



We went to the beach on Sunday. A nice cheap thing to do when you need to save your dimes and nickles when your house is about to close in a week. It rained on the drive down but as soon as we got out of our car the clouds broke and the sun came down and blistered my virgin skin. The water was great, kinda like warm piss. I officially peed twice in the lake because I saw the bathrooms and decided to take my chances with the embarrassing yellow cloud trailing with me in the lake. And then my daughter pooped and the seagulls tried to eat it.

We made a sand castle in the shape of a turtle laying eggs, and a shark. People were impressed with my great creation, I proudly gloated in it. I didn't take pictures because I was an idiot and forgot to charge the GD batteries. I am still in contemplation if we should go again next weekend and do everything the same, just so we can take pictures. But since most lack an imagination, please enjoy what I stole off the internet:





This was the first time I had been at a sandy type of beach. As a child we went to ghetto rocky beaches, and to swim you needed running shoes so you didn't stab your feet on any sharp rocks, or syringes. There were also those mini lobsters, crayfish I think.


Before this trip to the beach I pictured myself in a glamorous setting tossing my hair and drinking cold water and floating in the water. No one warned me about the sand. It gets everywhere. I couldn't wipe it with my hands. The shit doesn't even wash off. Using a towel was just as hopeless. If you wear contacts bring some solution. Eating food is also a pain in the arse as everything becomes gritty with sand.

I also liberally applied sunblock 200, but still got burned. Places you don't think should get burned. Someone please explain to me how my bellybutton is untouched but my earholes are burned?? How in the sam hell did my knee caps get burned? My armpits also burned. I also burned everywhere else, especially that part where your bathing suit meets your ass cheek, That always burns without fail.



With the humidity my hair became an afro, so I tied it back, it somehow became crusty. I am not sure how, and to be honest I don't think I want to know. A seagull swooped down and stole a chicken wing right from our picnic table I was quite impressed, but I also wanted to see how he was going to be able to swallow that chicken wing whole. So I watched to see if he was going to choke. He didn't. Damn.

I had a great time, it was the first time I felt comfortable dressed half naked, and I will go again.

Version 2

My loving husband finally caved and decided to download Kazaa. The world of music was now my oyster. I had an endless list of music that I wanted to steal, err download. But now that I had the option, I could only think of 3 songs that I wanted.....the rest, I just drew up a blank.
My husband downloaded some songs, which happened to be music videos. Which in turn happened to be XXX versions. I thought these would be French, or European cheap videos. Oh man was I wrong.

Lets take a popular artist, 50 Cent. This man has a song about pimpin' girlfriends, wives, daughter's, who the fuck knows who or what he is selling for sex. This video was very booby oriented. Lots and lots of boobs. Naked. In the buff. No bathing suit. Nipples galore. Granted it was expected, coming from a "pimp" and all.

It was a very expensive video. Not cheap like a "home camera in the backyard of grandma's home filming bottom of the barrel doped up women with saggy tits." This video had expensive cinamatography and make-up artists and well fed women, with nice hair done up by hairdressers.

These women had some insanely large breasts. Those titties looked like they were in their last trimester and about to pop out a little baby.


None-the-less very nice all around. It was just shocking to see they made a video that wouldn't be aired on any music channel. I am also shocked how more people are making porno's to go along with biographies and music video's. I just don't understand how this got 50 cent to a status he is at today. Maybe I am a shrewd but it creeped me out a little to see this man grab at these women's breasts. I personally think he was director and producer and star of this video just so he could grab some sweet silicone breasts. I doubt that he was instructed to grab these boobs by the little 2 foot Asian director behind the camera.



I suppose that 50 cent got sick of having free sex with sub-par groupies. Now I am thinking Madonna also should make a XXX version of her video "Music" after all it would make sense considering the context of the video. But then who wants to see a 45 year-old woman grope strippers tits. Maybe if it was Madonna 15 years ago. But certainly not now. Madonna also kissed Britney Spears, which no one seemed to shocked that this could very well make Madonna some kind of pedophile, if it was done 2 years prior.



I also downloaded "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy because I heard good reviews and it was banned from MTV. It too, showed drug use and boobs. It also had a nice twist ending that created a purpose for the video other than the 50 cent gratuitous boobage video which had no apparent purpose other than to satisfy the perversity of 50 cent. I also just noticed after watching the 50 cent video about a half dozen times for the purpose of this blog that he cannot dance, actually he dances like an old white man with a cane.

RIP Lemon Marker

I love stationary.
Pens, pencils, erasers, crayons, markers. And the accessories, such as stamps, stickers, fancy scissors and tape.
I can't draw very well, I stick to shading items to make my chicken scratch a piece of artwork. I normally draw flowers and foo-foo things.

I do this activity with my daughter, now 3. I buy her markers (and crayons which are all broken BTW) and half go missing and the yellow and orange markers turn black because she colours them over darker coloured inks. I cannot stand this. So I bought myself some wonderful scented markers that have yummy smells you could eat.

I do not share my markers because of her history of carelessness. Granted she is three, but she's got her own stuff she can ruin.

"Mommy I want a marker"
"No."
"Please, you have to share."
"No, you will break them."
"No I won't."
"Here use your crayons instead."
"I need a marker to make it pretty."
"FUUUUUUUCK" I think to myself, "What colour do you need?"
"Lellow." (that's yellow for us grown-ups)
"I will give this holy grail of markers, you must be gentle, if not, I will pick you up by your toes and swing you around the room until you become so dizzy you puke, and because of the velocity you will end up painting the walls with a new shade of brown. Which you will have to clean up with a toothbrush."
Actually I didn't say that, it was more like:
"If I give you this, you must be gentle, otherwise I will take it away from you."
"Ok." she said gleefully, she then proceeds to smash the marker in a stabbing motion on the table.
SMASH SMASH SMASH, then a little scribble. "was she done?" I thought..........hell no
smash! smash! smash!
"Holy mother Mary of god. What the fuck, my fucking marker. Holy shit-fuck. With an over flowing bucket of fuck"



My own flesh and blood smashed the head of a marker with such pleasure and gleefulness I thought I saw a hint of serial killer in her. She would do it again, and again. Until the population of Mr. Sketch Smelly markers were extinct. The black one would be burned. Mr Cherry Red would be flushed down the toilet, like it was a dirty vile tampon. Forest Green would be appropriately buried in the woods and a golden retriever would find it 2 weeks later full of maggots and worms. This child's hunger for slaughtering markers wouldn't be satiated until the clan family of Sketch markers were gone. All of them. She would demand trips to Wal-mart to get more markers, so she could be sure that Mr. Sketch would never make beautifully scented flowers again.

"Woah woah woah." I said, "what are you doing."
"Making dots"
"No, look what you did, its broken." I stuck the marker up to her nose, The poor marker was slaughtered into what resembled a broom. It was no longer nice and pointy, but merely reduced to a man's bushy yellow nicotined stained moustache.


"You cannot use my markers." I said annoyed. "You will have to use your crayons."

My beloved yellow marker is now a terrible smooshed piece of garbage. Its like trying to write with a piece of wool. RIP my beautiful lemon scented marker. I cried, then buried it in the backyard next to my bunny that died on Easter Weekend. I hope that rotting bunny knows how to make lemonade.

My Mistress, The Dentist

Recently I saw the dentist. Well, I just went for a cleaning. The last cleaning I had was when I was 6 months pregnant so about 3 and a half years ago.

My teeth were in pretty bad shape because it took an hour to scrape off the flakes of tartar that had crusted up and made those white stains that look like bathtub ring. You know those white-yellow things at the base of your gumline. That's crusty tartar. You can't scrape it off with your nail, no sir. You need a jack-hammer to remove that gunk.
So there I am twiddling my thumbs enjoying the show on the ceiling. The dentist is surprised at how cruddy my teeth are. She scrapes away with razors and pins and pointy objects at my teeth,

"Do you drink coffee??" she asks.
"No" I said.
"Do you smoke?"
"Naw."
"Your teeth are stained quite a bit."
"I like blueberries and cherries"
"oh ha ha ha" she laughed dryly, but I could tell she was annoyed and wanted to stab me in the temples with her mysterious pointy untensils.
"O.K. Gravity, I am going to measure your gums."
The lady then proceeds to stab my gums with a large pin about 200 times. This poking and stabbing causes the obvious, bleeding.
I could picture her in a dominatrix suit yelling at me asking me to call her mistress, and saying I was a dirty girl who didn't brush her teeth. That bitch.

"Well it looks like your teeth are fine, except for your wisdom teeth they have some excess gum and you can't get them clean so I will give you a special brush for them."
"Wonderful, my benefits plan is finally paying off!!!"
I then realized my gums were still bleeding and I swallowed a large mouthful of blood. I got nauseated.

"Gravity, we are going to polish your teeth."
I sat there and watched the gleam in her eye, afraid of what the hell was going to happen next. I couldn't read her expression because of the damn face mask. She took great care of her eyebrows though. Most likely shaped, waxed, and tweezed, by a professional. Probably her dominatrix lover.

She shoved the spit sucker in my mouth and removed a gallon of blood. Oh my god, I am gonna die getting a tooth cleaning, and they will blame it on me because I am so un-hygienic. The news reports would be unforgiving and they will mock me in a tone of "I-told-you-so"
My headstone will say "In Memory Of Gravity, Remember the Dangers of Neglecting Your Teeth."
They would start a fund to create awareness and educate people on gum care and gingivitis.


"Gravity, do you floss?" I nodded my head in fear like a little 5 year old who stole a cookie from the cookie jar.
"Well that's no fun, I can't give you any lectures on taking care of your teeth." she laughed again, I got goosepimples, and my pupils dilated into pinheads. Her laugh caused my blood to curdle and harden in my mouth. I chewed on it.

"Gravity I am going to floss your teeth now." She flossed my teeth, like an angel. It was unexpected. It was great. If I were rich I would pay some poor shmuck to come over to my house twice a day and floss my teeth. And wipe my bum too. She used this floss like it was rope she used to tie up her lovers, she was indeed a professional. It reminded me of Jessica Alba swinging the rope around in the movie SinCity. If I were a guy, I would have tent in my pants the size of the CN Tower. Yeah it was fun. I think I will hire her to be an entertainer at my next birthday party, I thought to myself.


"Gravity this is a Sulcabrush, its a brush that will help you get into the back of your mouth to clean your wisdom teeth."


She showed me how to use it, and she gave me a new toothbrush and some dental floss. So this is how good it feels to pay 20 dollars per paycheque towards a benefits plan. I was warm and fuzzy, I peed my pants a bit too.

As I left she said she would see me again in 6 months.
Yesterday I called and made another appointment for next week.