I Made Animation !!!

I made this, I am quite proud. It's perverse, and satisfies any urges that result from my perversities. At this point in time anyways.

Also this one, not as exciting, but good for any virgin eyes out there.

Guess Who

Guess who......(He's a comedian if that helps)

Well how does one person get this big, a person who used to be 120 pounds soaking wet. Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt and he isn't on juice.... let's provide some nutrition tips.

Protein.... lot's of clean protein. (1 - 1.5 grams per pound of lean body mass.)
Chicken Breast
Beef - such as top round
Eggs whites
cottage cheese
fish - a main staple would be tuna
Whey - easy, quick, perfect post workout for rapid absorbtion


Carbies (amount depends on goals... for weight gain you would increase carbs, and to lose weight you would decrease the carbs)
brown rice
sweet potato
oatmeal - not instant you lazy mofo
whole wheat pasta
Beans

Fats (amount depends on goals but can range from .25 - .40 grams per pound of weight)
fish oil (be sure not to get the one with extra vitamin A and such goodies.)
flax oil (cold pressed and organic, never cook with this oil.)
Natural Peanut Butter (not kraft or jiffy it's full of hydrogenated oils and sugar)
Walnuts
Almonds
Olive Oil

Veggies and Fruit
Can't normally go wrong with much but:
peas and corn are high in carbies, and thus should be considered as a carb source.
The best choices for fruit are the ones that are low glycemic such as berries.

Water - and a shit load of it. Your pee should be clear. If it's yellow your dehydrated, regardless if your thirsty or not. A good goal for women would be 3 litres; for guys 3-5 litres. So drink up.

Why did I just offer nutrition tips for a picture of muscles. Because most people think that working out will get you fit. It does, but your success is 80%-85% nutrition, the remainder would be a mix of weight bearing excercises and genetics.

Oh, and to find out who this guy is, just click on the picture.

Only the Good News Please

Poor China
They will never read my entertaining news-worthy blog
nor will they ever view this. (NWS)
But still I think those videos originate from them. So it's all good.

Spot the Difference

Just like the title says.........spot the difference

This New House

We got our sod laid last Thursday. Now when you get sod laid, you must water as soon a bloody possible, or it will die. Permanently. Not the kind of hibernation death and resurrect once spring arises. But it dies forever. It rained on Thursday night, so we considered ourselves safe to hold off on buying a hose and sprinkler.
Long story short, we got an old hose and sprinkler from my father. So we saved some much needed cash. Saturday night we watered the lawn with the neighbors. I am a non-talker so my husband did most (actually all) of the socializing. Here is an excerpt in his words:

"So our neighbours come up to me and say, 'can I ask you a question?'..."
"Which neighbours the one's connected to us or the other ones" (FYI we live in a semi-detached home.)
"The other ones...." The hubby continues, "the neighbour asked me how long he should water the lawn for."
"Okay...." Just so you know newbie home owners are funny as hell, so I had a feeling this was going to be gold.
"I told him about an hour or two.."
"Okay..."
"And the guy acted surprised... I asked him how long have you been watering for...He said 10 minutes with a hand held hose."
"Uh-huh......" I said
"I told him it wasn't long enough, he responded with, well it rained a couple days ago."
"How many shades of brown does it take for someone to realize he has to water the grass?"
"And then..... The best part..... He asked me if he should LIFT THE SOD and water UNDERNEATH"
"Get the fuck out of here!!!!!!!!"
"And I was like..... No man, don't do that."
"Hahahaha what a moron"

Besides the fact that this was probably the highlight of my weekend, (it very well could have been the ruckus at the furniture store where some psychotic woman was cursing many four letter words at the other side, but we ended up being bombarded by a sales woman, so I missed the whole thing.) I think it would be great to talk grass. I also saw "This Old House" which was convenient at airing some stuff on caring for your lawn. (gooooo Bob Vila)

So lets talk grass.
-water the lawn 1-2 inches per week. Separating the amount into 2-3 sessions.
-water in the early morning. Afternoon is a waste of water, and evening will cause disease.

-when cutting grass only cut 1/3 at a time if you cut to much it will burn your grass and stunt the growth.

-if you don't want to rake after words use a mulching blade.


-keep mower blades sharp, dull blades break the grass leaving it open for infection.

-Sheep shit is great and doesn't smell (bad)


-Fertilize depending on your grass type (ie: cool season and warm season lawns)
Cool season lawns-most fertilizer is put on in fall
Warm season lawns-early spring to late summer.

And remember you are judged not by the friends you keep but by the lawn you reep.
That's my saying, and you can use it.
And if you refuse to care for your lawn for goodness sake just pave over it. No one wants to see a brown patch of wheat in August.

Friday

Dont' you wish you could do this?

I'd post a picture except something is wrong with my (or the ) blogger. So any ways, here is a joke for your reading pleasure:

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing 10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.


The Godfather asks the bookkeeper "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back "I don't know what you are talking about."


The attorney tells the Godfather "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."


That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, coccks it, and says "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"


The bookkeeper signs back "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"


The Godfather asks the attorney "Well, what'd he say?"


The attorney replies "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Black Widow Drugs

Quite often after my jaunt to the gym, I find myself driving home alone. This drive is long (my standards of long) about a good 20 minutes. Now that it's dark when I drive home it's kind of strange. What's even stranger is when a main artery such as this road is deserted, it's almost creepy. Enter stage right, Gravitydrops imagination.

As a child, about 12 or so, Me, my brother, and father would rent great cult classic zombie movies. Good times, with lot's of popcorn. One movie that would stick with me would be Dawn of the Dead. It would be great fantisizing material. I would own an entire shopping mall. I would spend my days eating candy, trying on clothes, and shooting zombies from my rooftop. This pattern of thought hasn't changed much in the past 13 years.

Now there I am, about 9 pm, driving down this major artery with no other cars. I turn up the radio loud enough for vibrations to be registered a mild 3 on the richter scale. I had it turned up loud enough for the vibrations to kick start a stopped heart. Maybe even a zombie heart.

It's great, listening to Friday night music, no traffic, drunks walking in the middle of the road, not a worry in the world. Wait, reverse train of thought, oh there is a person in the middle of the road, maybe I should swerve around him...... ok. I look in my rearview, he's still standing, so I didn't hit him. I have to pay attention and stop singing/screaming at the radio. I turn the music down a notch. I keep driving, as per usual. Buildings pass by as a blur, traffic lights are green down my alley. This is fan-fucking-tastic. No hiccups in sight.... I see a movement in the middle of the road, again. Two movements, A club must have opened up or something, because there's more people walking in the middle of the road. I slow down, and give them the evil eyes. I pout my mouth into tantrum mode. These morons are totally unresponsive. Maybe it's not drunks, maybe it's not a new club. It's a new drug.
As I am about to speed off away from these dingbats one of them grabs my car handle and the door pops open. What the fuck......................... I push on the gas. My Honda climbs from 2 miles an hour to 5. Fucking Hondas. One of the druggies fingers hooks inside my mouth, ewwwww. Dirty crusty stoner fingers. The taste was something like metal and gritty dirt. My car finally starts speeding up to a slow jog, and the druggies lose grip of my car and mouth. Let those wierdo's eat my dust, well not dust but at least let them stare at my car treads in the ground.

Now this was probably the strangest day of my last two years. Two years ago I had an altercation with a stoner at 3 pm on a subway, also strange. Actually it was more disturbing than strange, but forget that, this is now. And I almost got hijacked or raped or injected with a massive amount of liquid stoner drug, who the fuck knows. It was wierd shit.

I try and slow my racing heart. I still taste stoner fingers in my mouth. I was worried I contracted some crazy disease. He probably had his fingers poked in every crevice known and unknown to mankind. I lock my car door....... and keep driving, checking my rearview mirror. I could go to the police but the guy was either a bum, and had a long list of violations, or he would never get caught, and I would be stuck looking at stacks and stacks of pictures for weeks to come.

I will go straight home and wash my mouth in a combination of rubbing alcohol and bleach, I will also remember to floss, because we all know how much those germs will hide within your gum lines causing the dangerous gum disease known as gingivitis. I also heard that neglecting your teeth can cause heart disease, what kind of messed up crap research concluded this mess. I would like to know who funded this research because....... is that man eating a dead carcass on the side of the road????????

I stop. What in Lucifer is going on? I back the car up a bit. I would like to say for the record I am not blond, so I knew I could not die.

There squatted a man, noshing down on a carcass. His face was all bloody and his fingers were whittled down to the bone from such enthusiastic munching. I gawked at him, in disbelief and horror. My window was rolled down ever so slightly so I could hear his hands digging inside the contents of this dead body's stomach, squishing, oozing, and that suction sound when you grasp more than your hands will hold. He took the handful and brought it to his lips. I gagged a little. I leaned on the horn, I couldn't bare to watch anymore. He looked up, and gazed at me.... "oh holy shite........" I rolled up my window. He stood up and stumbled over to my car. Yeah I could drive away, but this was just too wierd to stop staring. Plus it would give me something to write about in my blog. He touched my window, the stoner got blood all over my window. It wasn't until then that I noticed he wasn't enjoying his midnight snack alone (or 9 pm snack) Someone else was clawing at the back of my car, I looked, it wasn't one person, it was 4 people investigating my car. I throw my car in drive and gun it out of there. One of the stoners held on. I swerved around like a drunken lunatic, I could see his body swaying left to right like a rag doll. It was almost comical looking depsite the nightmare of the scene I just witnessed. Finally he let my car go, and I sped off. He was probably too stoned to get my lisence plate number, so I think I will be ok. At this point I should call the cops when I get home. It wasn't until now that I decided owning a cell phone was probably a good idea.

I continue my drive home, it won't be long now. I will go home, call the cops and have some tea and brush my teeth...... I turn on to my road, and into my driveway.,..I get out and grab my purse and bags. I hear a scuffling noise. I stop moving. I hear the noise again. I look up and see another fucking stoner....... "enough of this shit" I pop my trunk and I walk around the car to grab a bat from the back.
"Fuck off" I say.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" says the stoner.
At this point I didn't know if I should hit him, and face murder charges, or just run into my house and call the cops.
The stoner got closer.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" he said again.
He sounded more like a horny stoner than a murderous stoner. But I remembered what happened at the drive down and determined, first he would rape me, and then eat me. He was taking some sort of bizarre black widow drugs..... and I wasn't going to be eaten.
No more warnings I thought. I swung my bat, and hit him on the arm. He kept coming foward. I swung again only this time at his head, knowing full well that this blow would probably crush his head and kill him.
I stepped back. He was still standing. Awake and unfazed.
I swung again, and again, and again. This time he fell over. I stopped hitting him and waited for him to leave me alone. But he didn't, he grabbed my ankle. I kicked him away, and swung my bat at his head some more. I kept hitting him. I could hear bone cracking. I kept hitting his head until I heard the equivelent of a bat hitting a large wet sponge. There was nothing left to the stoner's head but a wet sunken leathery bag.
"EAT SHIT!!!!!!!............." I yelled. My heart was racing and my lungs were about to explode. I caught my breath and tossed the bat in my trunk, and closed it.
I grabbed the rest of my belongings in my car and went inside my house.
I decided that tomorrow, I would take the day off from the gym.

How to Waste Your Lonely Friday Nights.........

Sunburned Eyes

I have tried to get more adventurous and colourful and just down right fruity. I want to change my background of my blog. (Also known as a blogskin) Well make some sort of change. So I made an entirely new blog and I have been playing with the HTML codes like a maniac. About 5 hours yesterday. My eyes are red from being scorched from the computer screen. I never thought it would be possible to get sun burn from the screen of a computer, but hey, whatever I could use some colour. I mean the colour of over baked (and half-baked) is in vogue.

As you can tell thus far, not a bloody change in THIS blog has been done. So my luck has been down right bad. Well maybe not luck, but definatley some sort of education is required on this whole situation. I have torn apart my comments section and found some colour codes for HTML. I have also learned that you can play around with the cursor (arrow from your mouse) you can also change your scroll bar colour AND design.

But so far no luck on how to change that freaking background, or even my header. Well, thats a lie, I did get it changed but it looked like crappola. A big giant piece of tiled garbage. And here I am at square one, wasting more time trying to be creative and colourful. Here are some links that I found for any of you who are interested in playing with the innards of your blog. Good luck young one. May the Matrix be on your side.



Blogskins

Colours in HTML


HTML Basics

You can also do a search for "HTML Basics"

I Call The Big One Bitey.

Bootleg Giraffe Snacks

I would like the ability to create a cool pet.
I think the neatest pet (other than a pet duck which is far from extraordinary) would be a miniature elephant. There was such a thing as a dwarf elephant wayyyyyy back in the day. It stood about a metre high. But when I say a mini elephant. I mean something that stands about a foot tall. I would train my elephant to do tricks. But not crappy tricks like roll over and sit. I would teach my elephant to go pooh in the toilet. And I would teach him to pick up the garbage and take it out to the garage.
I currently have an iguana, but I can't train her to do any tricks, and I know I have promised to post pictures, but I have been quite the lazy sloth lately.

Another neat pet would be a mini lion. Yeah let's follow the trend of "mini" only because items that are normally giants would be cuter and easier to handle in a mini format. Why a lion and not another large cat species. Well because of the mane of course! I could comb that mane and just put it in braids and stuff. It would be jolly good fun. On friday nights we could colour each others hair. Well, maybe thats a little over the top, I just think a lion who was smaller would be really neat-o. It would be a great pet to have in bed with you on a cold winter's night. It would also be great with kids. I can picture it now, a lion kicking around a ball of yarn and pooping in the litter box.
I am not sure why but any thought that I write about I seems to always end up talking about poop. Nothing is more satisfying than taking a large poop. Well maybe chocolate, but chocolate wont make you lose that heavy chunk in your tummy.

Also a mini giraffe. That would be real keen. But I think his hoofs would scratch my floors. We would have to get some booties. I can't knit, so I would have to hire a bunch of people in a sweat shop to make these mini booties for the mini giraffes. Since I am the only one who makes mini booties I will make millions, maybe billions. The popularity of mini giraffes would explode. Every house in America and Canada will own one. Maybe two. I will create schools for vets who have to take special courses to care for the giraffes when sick. Further growing my billion dollar empire. My monopoly of giraffe mini booties, and schools will create an underground black market. I will hunt down those savages and kill them with my mighty sword. No one will stop me because everyone wants a mini giraffe for Christmas.


I will be the only producer of giraffe food. If they eat anything else their stomachs will explode the contents of any bootleg giraffe snacks onto the owners and little children. The guts will stain every nook and cranny of their house, causing them to sell the house or live with the stains. A terrible reminder that you must never feed your mini giraffe bootleg giraffe snacks.

My plan will work. Yes it will.

The Grocery Shopping Occurance.

Grocery shopping has turned in to a (mis)adventure.
Here is my Sunday morning.
"Ok I am going grocery shopping"
at which point my daughter hear's this and insists that she must come for the better of mankind,
"Mother, I must join you at the stellar jaunt to the grocery store, so I can remind you to purchase candy, chips, juice, more candy, chocolate, candy coated crackhead cereal, and an uber amount of ass wipe"
"If I take you, you have to sit in the cart and be good....you cannot come out of the cart, because you will get lost with all the swarming people. And they will run you over with their souped up carts, covered in stickers from their sponsers and juiced up with high octane gas."
"Mother, I can promise this to you now, but I must insist, it is an empty promise because as soon as I get in the store, your defences will bow down to my earsplitting conniption fit."

Upon arrival to the store, I rememeber that I have forgotten a quarter to which I must despence into the cart in order to go grocery shopping. I now note that I have no change other than that of 4 pennies sitting on the car floor. After I string out a number of four letter words..... I spot an abondoned cart on the other side of the parking lot. I rip my daughter out of the car........ we run through the parking lot, pushing old women over, and drop kicking children. Success! I have gotten my free cart.

Into the store, it is a massive traffic jam full of carts. I move through the isles as fast as I can. Packing in broccoli, red pepper, the bananas are on sale....... nothing is left. Fuck those monkeys and their monkey loving banana molesting abilities...... damn them all.

I am also convinced that as soon as I walk into the store everyone's psychic ability kick's in to piss me off, as these people feel the need to leave their carts in the middle of the isle, to which no one can pass. I stand there looking, turning my head like I am possessed by the devil. Who keeps doing this?! I move the cart, a women comes up to me giving me squinty eyes like I am trying to steal her child.
"Whatever," I think to myself...... no wait.... I punched her in the nose and left her to whither in the ground in a pool of blood..... stop leaving your cart in the middle of the isle!!!!!!!!

"Mother, might I call attention to the fact that you need to pick up some tampons because you are bleeding....I imagine that you don't want to make a monstrosity of the bed again......... or the unholy mess on the bathroom floor for that matter."
"Ok, Ok thank you, here have some candy coated crackhead cereal..........." How the hell does this three year old kid remember so much is beyond me.


We line up after circling the store 4 times to locate the items in the labyrinth of a store. We package our items to which my daughter perists she must help me bag the food stuffs.
"Mother, I am going to push this red button which moves the belt with our food allowance, I will push it with the upmost glee and exuberance that everyone will think I am an angel... but it is my prescribed duty to squish all the food once it hits the wall."
"Sweetheart don't push that button"
"I will not! And I might remind you that if you yell or hit me someone will communicate concern to child services."
"Ok, your going back into the cart........."
"Damn you, damn you mother.... I assisted you with this blood-bath of a shopping spree and you abondon me in this fashion..... this is unacceptable.... you are going to pay dearly when we get home, just you wait!!!"


I pay for the groceries only to discover that I have insufficient funds. I brought no extra credit cards, no cash, nothing. I bite my nails. Ummmmm. Okay.
"Let's try again....." I say.
I experiment with my account and try withdrawing from my savings account. I wait for it to clear. I wait some more.
"Mother! Mother what is the hold up over there, let's go!!"
"please clear, please clear, please clear......."
The funds go through. Nothing happens. No cheering, no applause, nothing. It was very anti-climatic.


The ride home was uneventful. Thank Goodness.

Upon investigation of my account when I get home I realize that I transferred all my money to the wrong account.

I have also learned that Asian people don't drink milk. I have come to this conclusion because our store location charges 6 dollars for 3 litres of milk. I don't know where they are getting their dietary needs for calcium.... but it's a disgusting price for milk.

Dutch Oven.........

Those Spoons Are Trouble.....

Weiner

Zombie Garbage

Last night I decided to re-watch Shaun of the Dead. Good movie, good laughs, good gore. My husband has trouble understanding the bristish accent, and I love to see him squint just trying his damndest to see the accent better. Right after the movie ended I went straight to bed, knowing full well my mind would remain wrapped around the premise of the movie. I ended up dreaming about zombies. The funny thing was it was a combination of the zombie and hurricane issue(s)
My dream had me locked in a school, with some frat type guys who ordered lots and lots of pizza. Extra large pizza. Now who in the sam hell delivers pizza when there are zombies walking the earth and houses are flooded from the hurricane? And worst of all the garbage was 5 boxes high, and wasn't thrown away.

This whole thing got me thinking harder about garbage. Our garbage must be separated from food, to recycling, to actual "garbage" I have about 4 cans of garbage sitting in my house all serving a purpose.



Gray box-Newspapers and paper items
Blue Box-all other recyclables (soap bottles, plastic containers, pop cans.....)
Food Box- all stinky food items go in here
Garbage box- all the left overs from recycling.



I need a whole new house just to store this shit because garbage collection is once every two weeks. Recycling is once a week, but my main concern is the GARBAGE. That's what smells. I've seen myself hold on to recycling materials for over a month and be fine and dandy like ribbon candy. But the garbage starts to liquify, and breed monster horse flies. These flies are like the size of a small bee. I can here them buzzing around downstairs and upstairs. And then a loud TICK TICK TICK, smashing themselves into the damn windows. It's like someone's taking little pebbles and throwing them at the windows, beckoning them to come outside, and rehearse Romeo and Juliet.



The funniest thing is, we have the bizarre workings of Fight Club going on here. Brad Pitt steals fat from the lypo department, turns it into soap and sells it back to those women with the fat asses.

The garbage man takes our garbage (food garbage) turns it into compost and sells it back to us.

Or am I just angry, is our food stuffs nothing more than that of the Lion King? Is this just the circle of Life?

Hooray for Movies (and Friday)

Here is some stuff I found from poking around the internet.
It's Friday suckers....... now go waste some time.






Exploding Whale - This is for Blithering Moron










Horse Fart - Stop staring at his anus already!







Smurfs - No comment needed

SWF: Seeking Lesbo Expertise.

An interesting question was brought up next to the water cooler today. Do lesbians like to read romantic novels, like those of Harlequin Romance. The stories are normally about straight couples getting their groove on. Wouldn't any normal lesbian find this repulsive? The query was never resolved because asking a lesbian this at work is probably grounds for immediate dismissal, or severe ass plumaging in the bathroom by HR.

This then spawned into something dirty......

I wonder if lesbians use dildo's?

Because if they did, isn't that some kind of breach of contract? Isn't there some sort of aggreement that if your gay you cannot insert tubular "ingredients" in the cavity of your genitals?

Fingers, dildo's, and cucumbers symbolize penis; and these items are inserted in to a hole made for man.....or intended for man.

My co-worker then slapped me in the face and said, vagina's are made for tampons and babies. It my was hypothesis at this point my friend was either a gay feminist, or just very well educated. Vagina's make babies. This was life altering to the maximum awsome-ness.
She then argued that fingers can't be compared to a man's penis because a man with a penis the size of a finger should be cut into little tiny cubes like that of stewing beef and thrown into the trash compactor so he cannot create off-spring with such small genitals.


We all know the chain of life goes like this: Small penis - small sperm - small babies - smaller penis -even smaller sperm - smaller babies - and then so on and so on. This disastrous effect would cause humans to disappear into nothingness.




I bitch slapped my friend/co-worker back. That cannot be possible, small penises are made for gay men to insert into the anus of anther gay man. Small penises are made for small openings. It also creates a muse for comic writers. Without small penises we would have no comedy in this world.

Without gay men and their gay sex we might never have discovered the prostate orgasm. And without lesbian sex and the "hooked" finger women probably wouldn't know about g-spot orgasm. How do I know a women discovered the g-spot..... well because I haven't met a man who's penis bends at 90 degrees.

After all the jibber jabber I have forgotten where I was going to end this story.....But the conversation we had, ended with me talking about the inner ear....... that's another story.