Misadventures of the Potty

Ok Since I have nothing to talk about today I will talk about something that was recommended to me by a great co-worker of mine. The interesting findings in the bathroom.
Let me mention what has already been mentioned before. Some women have the need to take a full cup of water in to the bathroom with them, my theory is to clean the toilet seat or to clean their crotch after they have finished going potty.
Other findings would be the obvious stuff, TP that doesn’t make it all the way down the hole, pubic hairs, blood, skid marks, and foot prints.
Let me address the pubic hair subject, everyone has got them but if you find your hairs are shedding please check the fucking toilet seat before leaving, it’s really not that difficult. I really don’t want to sit my ass on someone else’s dirty pubic hair, that is infested with blood-sucking hungry crabs and lephrechans.
Blood, also applies as the same for pubic hair, please take a view of your surroundings before leaving the stall, clean up any spills, splashes, or finger paintings on the wall.
Skid marks, granted your not expected to take a toilet brush with you when you need to take a crap, but sometimes skid marks will wash away if you flush twice.
Footprints, this baffles most people. I am however aware of the fact we live with a number of Asian people. Back in the home country you may be shocked to find out they don’t have toilets like us Canadians (or Americans) they basically have a porcelain hole in the ground. Here is a movie on how to squat and here is an even better link on how to poop.
These toilets are supposed to be more efficient because you don’t need toilet paper, and it makes for better and quicker evacuation of the bowel. So I bet your now thinking Gravity WTF does Asian toilets have to do with footprints on the toilet seat. Well if you watched the videos supplied, you would know in order to “squat” on a western toilet you have to stand on the toilet seat. So if this is the case and when done in a public washroom, please for the love of god wipe down your footprints upon completion.

I also notice some people go pee, just so they can fart. Quite often they are noisy, so this is how I came to that conclusion. (I fart, but mask it by flushing the toilet (pretty ingenious don’t ya think)

Also when there are 20 stalls of toilets and the room is empty except for one person please don’t feel the need to sit next to them for company’s sake. I want to piss in peace so please use the fucking stall on the other side of the bathroom. P.S. do not carry a conversation while I am the stall, it's quiet time during tinkle time.

Bread

Bread. It’s about bread today. My peeve about it is this, 60% whole wheat bread. Why was this invented? Who decided that the round wholesome number of 60% wheat would make a great bread? Why not 40% or 80%? Why is not available in all percentages at 10% increments? I found a nice 75% wheat bread after doing a Google search at a family bakery.
You wouldn’t go out and pay for a prostitute and ask only for a 30% blowjob (maybe 30% discount but this doesn’t apply) My MIL buys 60% (when she buys) but normally I purchase the bread; and its 100% all the way. I don’t buy plastic bread a.k.a. white bread because it isn’t natural.

Even though I don’t eat bread (I stick to oatmeal and sweet potatoes) this subject still bothers me. I am NOT part of the Atkin’s Revolution but I think that bread maker’s are very misleading. Why can’t it be simple to just buy brown bread or white bread? I have to make sure the label says some shit about whole-wheat flour and not just wheat flour. Why do you colour with molasses to make fake brown bread? Is there some shortage of whole-wheat crop? Is it being horded by the government for some crazy conspiracy such as to feed the starving aliens? Is it to make Metamucil (a gentle fiber laxative) for all those constipated retards eating white bread??
Its like trying to buy a regular cup of java….it just doesn’t fucking exist anymore.

And now with the extremists (I am borderline) whole-wheat bread isn’t good anymore, it’s a bloody processed food, with all the additives to make the loaf last 7 days. Health nuts say it’s best to eat a bread called Ezekiel; which is a flourless bread and its made with sprouted grains which makes it healthier. I personally never tried the stuff because I have been able to survive for 25 years without it but I am sure it tastes like delicious cardboard.

Not only when shopping for bread do you have to be aware of the label but, you have to covet this brown loaf like it’s your infant. Because if you get this bread at a time when the students are working (or a man) they/he will invariably shove that infant loaf in with a bottle of fucking juice. So when you get home you will be making sandwiches out of bread that has been squished so bad it will look like someone’s twisted bowel.

Abusement Park

A day in the amusement park, full of hotdogs and cotton candy and rides. Sounds like fun? It should be. But when I went it was so bloody packed that it should have been a hot spot for a terrorist attack. But since we are in Canada our only protection is to drown you in maple syrup, and nobody feels threatened when you are told you will suffer death from maple syrup because it is so delicious.

Our little micro family went to an un-named amusement park in 35 degree heat. So any water activities were packed like a can of sardines flavoured with chlorine and kids urine. We decided not to go in the water.

Here are a couple pictures I took. They lack pictures of any people because I am a paranoid schizophrenic who thinks you, the reader, will kidnap me and tickle me with feathers.




The lines were about 45 minutes long (or longer) for each fucking ride. I was able to find a giant slide that only had a line-up of about 10 minutes. So my daughter and me went down this slide that required an airtight potato sack and a tank of oxygen. This slide is so fucking tall that we combusted when we returned to the atmosphere traveling at ungodly speeds.

I saw a wonderful young man about 15 years of age, with pants so low I could see some sort of black cotton ball type substance pasted from his belly button down to his.....well probably his crotch. This is why I am a strong advocate of shaving. His pubes were so long you could have braided those fuckers. I can picture it now a 15 year-old with dread-locked pubes and those beads on the end of them. And this guy is the type of menacing bastard that would prey on an 11 year-old virgin.

I enjoyed some beaver tail. Yes a woman's tail is quite delectable when doused in cinnamon and sugar or butter and maple syrup. Actually it's a fried type of dough coated in toppings of your choice of savory or sweet. They are shaped like a beaver tail incase couldn't figure out by the name of the food item. Now if we could get this item topped with some strawberry jam we could have an adult themed treat.




I also enjoyed some pre-packaged fudge, wisely named "The Fudgery Shoppe" I had very homo-erotic pictures dancing in my head. The taste, along with the name was bloody awful for $3.99. This stuff had more preservatives than a Twinkie embalmed in formaldehyde. It was a cross between toffee and icing sugar and tasted worse. Fresh fudge is the bomb-diggity-dawg and melts in your mouth like mans penis, but tastes much much better (without that freaky aftertaste) If you want to make some here is a very easy recipe





Upon leaving the grounds we were greeted with a $30 parking ticked because yours-fucking-truly didn't pay for a parking sticker. What happened to the automated arms I dunno; but if you see that 12 inch midget in the very back of the parking lot hiding under a rock with camouflage clothing you must pay that fucker for your parking sticker.

Nose Picking

Good old Ralph Wiggum picking his nose until it bleeds. I love The Simpson’s, however I don’t love seeing people pick their nose.
I know this guy that picks his nose almost constantly. Whenever I look over he’s got his finger or thumb digging for gold. But I haven’t seen it bleed yet, thank goodness, because I don’t want his germs or possible diseases. No one else seems bothered by it, or they don’t mention it, but it grosses the fuck out of me. I see him rub peoples back and hug them. I picture him laughing in his head like we’re his walking talking tissues. Today my sleeve was touched and now I am afraid I will get sick because everyone seems to have this freaky summer cold.
Another thing I am thankful for is I also haven’t seen him eat it.

Why do we eat our boogers? My daughter discovered that nose picking results in a prize…a delicious prize. Why? Why do you eat it? She’s hasn’t seen anyone else do it….but she sticks her finger in every now and then and makes her own fucking bedtime snack. I don’t know what’s worse, seeing her eat the filthy green glob to get rid of the evidence, or watch her play with it…..you know roll it in her fingers in to a brown ball, like some kind of rabbit turd and then flick it on my bed.

While I am at it, what’s up with people and their cars….in case you didn’t know they have windows; you can see out and on-lookers can see in. Just because you’re in your car doesn’t mean you have complete privacy. I can see you digging into your skull like you left a 20 dollar bill up there.

Now I won’t portray myself as perfect (snicker) I am guilty of sneaking a pick, but in privacy. That’s key; you need privacy.

And just because you pick your nose and don’t eat it…this does not make exempt from the nasty factor. You are more repulsive because you to get rid of the horrifying evidence by smearing it on your seat, or pants or whatever is near you at that moment. And your refusal to eat this said booger proves that you also agree that YOUR booger is fucking nasty. If you don’t want it….who in the sam hell do you think does want it??? You think ants or dust mites want this nose garbage? They probably do…..and I have heard nastier things.

Short story: some guy takes showers and masturbates in the shower for easy clean up. Well, after a while they get an infestation of ants. Upon closer investigation of what the ants were surviving on was quite shocking. I am sure you have indeed put two and two together at this point, knowing full well that I am friggen’ nasty. These ants were eating his sperm.

So lets all take a fun poll So I can learn lots of nose picking fun facts about you!!! Dirty bastards wash your hands.

Vote Here

How Do You Deal With Boogers? I pick and eat I pick and toss/wipe I use tissues (by clicking this you admit to being a liar) Search The Internet

Centipedes

Centipedes, they are nasty little fuckers. This is one that I have seen numerous times in the houses I have lived in.

They are indeed centipedes but when you see these monsters scurry across the floor they look like a small mouse, only with antennas and with extra legs. I have woken up to one on my pillow before only to unsuccessfully kill it because they move faster than my grandma taking a bottle of ex-lax. After lying in my bed I get that feeling of disgust and sheer dirtiness. I am sure most of us have had that feeling. My mother calls it the “creepy crawlies” The only way I can describe it is you want to bathe in a vat of acid and scrub yourself with a steel wool pad until your flesh falls from the bone.

These things are so nasty I am almost (almost) afraid to sleep naked. Why? Because I am afraid that one of these hairy phallic objects will crawl inside my ass and lay eggs. I can picture it now, well 9 months from now. I give birth to 20,000 centipedes and try to convince my husband they are all indeed his. Shit imagine naming them. Christmas would be expensive. Nursing would be painful.
I also used to have a fear for a while that bugs would crawl inside my ears and get stuck. I would wake up in the middle of the night beating the shit out of my own head and digging my finger in my ear right up to my wrist in fear of some probing, brain-washing scientologist.

Another bug that frequents my house is the beetle. I am not talking about those behemoth fuckers that will bite off your head. These are tiny little beetles that look like a small black version of the ladybug. Those don’t bother me much.

I have also seen spiders, ants, flies, mice, blah blah blah. Who cares about these things, they pale in comparison to the bloody centipede.
House Centipedes can also bite and are apparently harmless. Bullshit I say. If a bug that has more hair than I do bites me, I am gonna scream bloody murder and cut off the appendage its bitten, in fear of turning into a centipede vampire when the clock strikes midnight.
So in light of the subject I have “doctored” up some cartoons. Enjoy.

Candied Ginger

Now that the burning is gone I can finally speak freely about my shame. Saturday I bought some candied ginger along with a new bathing suit and some wonderful body butter at the Body Shop. Well, Sunday rolled around and I was watching Animation Domination on Fox. When I got peckish for some of that delectable candied ginger.

In case you don’t know what candied ginger looks like I posted a picture for you:




Granted this stuff looks as appetizing as this stuff:



But rest assured it doesn’t taste like actual shit. I will assume after feeding it to my husband and daughter it probably is an acquired taste. How does it taste you ask? Well its like spicy ginger, only sweet. Duh.

So I got a little carried away eating this stuff, which is quite a bit spicy after you’ve eaten enough to embalm a large cat. When Monday morning rolled around that’s when the regret kicked in. This ginger is just as spicy going in as it is going out.

Alas, to my misfortune someone was using the bathroom. I sat and prairie-dogged for about 10 excruciating fucking minutes.
I am sure you know the feeling. You are sweating and clenching your ass cheeks together so tight that the blackhole could not suck air out of that puckered-up anus.
I can hear you say “Gravity what in the hell is prairie-dogging?” let me paint a beautiful picture for you in 4 simple steps:




These four “simple” steps will repeat as long as you finally have the ability to relieve yourself. For me it was 10 minutes.

In the early morning when I am in a hurry and when I eat my fiberous veggies I can squeeze out my nubs in about 2 minutes. But not today; today was a different matter. I ate too much cow flop which was brewed from the depths of fiery hell and dipped in crystallized ex-lax. Little brown bears were jumping thru a “hoop” of fire. This makes me thankful for not having hemorrhoids because these were some spicy fucking meatballs rolling out.
Once I was done, I was ten pounds thinner and had a monster in the porcelain bowl that was the size of a large baby. In retrospect I should have taken a picture with my camera and posted it for all of you to see. But I did not. But I am sure you know what a big giant turd looks like. If you are interested in experiencing the same thing, I have posted a Recipe here or if you can’t boil water (this recipe is insanely easy) go buy some, I got mine at the Bulk Barn.

Smell

Smell…
Most of us have it but for some reason guys lack ability to take notice. Since 8 hours of my day is spent at work I will probably end up talking about the people here. Women seem to be sensitive to smell, so generally, they smell good….sometimes I wanna say, “hey you smell good what are you wearing?” but that seems like a gay question, so I never ask.
I have mentioned the fact that someone smells like “clean laundry” which is a good thing, but I wouldn’t want to smell like that myself.

This is one of my current favourites:



The men are a different story here. What the fuck is wrong with them? One smells like mothballs. The other smells like garlic all the damn time. And another shit-brick smells like aqua-velva and a smoldering cigarette.
Who still uses mothballs any ways?? Use cedar chips you anus. They are environmentally friendlier.




Some women wear cheap perfume from large chain stores like Wal-Mart. Those knock-offs that don’t smell like the real thing……I have smelled them. They smell like a fucking sweaty penis that was out drinking all night and bum rushed a skunk’s ass that has an infection causing it to puss out green-yellow slime. But then who would wear a perfume called T’aint Sweat” or “Skunk’s Ass Puss” or my personal favourite “Uncircumcised Head Cheese”


The other day I was at the gym (I know it’s a gym people are supposed to smell) and this guy stunk so bad it made the water in the water fountain taste bad. This guy smelled so bad my lungs were beginning to blister. This guy smelled so bad I could swear his armpit hair was molesting the inside of my nostrils causing it to bleed.

Thank god for the invention of anti-perspirant but the poor schmuck at the gym was fresh off the space ship from Pluto and never heard of such an item. Who would have thought some guy just lands on earth and the first thing he’s gotta do is go to the gym. If you’re that vain you can’t possibly be that ignorant to your own vile stench.

And now I hear the cries “Gravity, Gravity where can I find an anti-perspirant that will meet your expectations?”
And I will simply respond with a picture:




But as you may know by now I can’t keep my trap shut and must make useless comments. So Mitchum’s claims you can skip a day…..to which I have tested and it does indeed live up to its claims. It does however cause some staining if you don’t allow the liquid to dry before getting dressed.

Shave

Shaving…….I see it as a big deal. Not because I am a women, but because hair can hide your flawless skin that lays beneath it.
I recently shaved my arms and I was quite impressed. My arms looks so much cleaner and less like a “damn dirty ape”
My husband has to shave because if he doesn’t, I break out in red little bumps and I end up looking like I got attacked by a frog infested with herpes.

I like it when men shave their pits because I don’t like stinky stuff. Armpits are stinky and when you got hair down there it literally turns into a fucking 98 degree wash basin with pubes. Now imagine a man sitting all day sweating his “nads” off for eight stinky hours. Are you gonna do any of this??


My personal favourite brand is this


The invention of underwear has come to light so shave those damn hairs off. FYI: flossing has also become a hygenic ritual, (and is now available sterilized) so it is also another reason to shave those little curlies.
Another very well known reason to shave; it makes men look bigger….not your wisdom….. but your PENIS! That’s right your one-eyed lizard will appear to grow about an inch in length when you shave that jungle.

My husband has a pair of boxers that’s says on the label “change daily” WTF is that? I know warning labels have very redundant things on them but seriously is Fruit of the Loom afraid of a fucking lawsuit based on some un-hygenic sloth that dies from some mysterious spongiform growing on him? If that’s the case then he deserves to be suffering from this penis-eating bacteria.

I just hope for the sake of mankind that these fine specimens do change their skivvies daily.


Another pro to shaving would be less visible ass lint. That’s right, there’s toe jam, belly button lint, and then the dreaded ass lint. Ass lint is the worst because you can’t fucking see it to pick it out. So I guess your thinking “Gravity WTF is your problem….you want me to shave my whole body, now its gonna grow back thicker and now I will never get to taste the sweet nectar of Gravity’s Dropping’s”
And I will respond, “Listen Numb-nuts provide proof of this because all that happens when you shave hair is create a blunt end which causes the hair to appear thicker you bloody wang.”

I closing, I say break out the weed whacker and cut those curlies. Try it once and you will be pleased by the results I am sure….because a hairy person is very prehistoric…errr I mean 80’s.

Pinch

Nipples

Nipples. Nipples are sexy. Most of the time. Since the little tidbit today is going to be quite ugly I will give you a mini treat before hand because things are going to get somewhat blinding.

At work there seems to be some sort of Dracula living among us because it is fucking cold. It’s so cold your nipples will cut glass. My fingers are currently blue and I have numerous typos when I type. The temperature outside is a balmy 25 degrees and in here it’s more like 18. 18 degrees is a temperature I maintain in my fridge. 18 degrees is the fucking temperature I enjoy my ice cream at. Now I am exaggerating, I just dislike the cold. If I were rich I would hibernate in Cancun for the winter. Hell I would just live there all year ‘round.

Now back at work its cold…now I know what you are thinking “what about winter it must quite pleasant in there”……….and I will say “You are a retard because If you knew me, you would know this place of business is a virtual solarium with lots and lots of windows and poor insulation, so in the winter its even worse.” I think there was also some instances of employees getting treated for hypothermia.

Back to the nipples. They are nice, but in a business environment that is filled with rejects from clown college/American express CSR’s its not quite classy. Picture dimply women that look like they got beaten by the ugly stick upon breaking through their momma’s hymen. If it were on a hot woman I wouldn’t have squat to talk about. But these are family women, businesswomen, they aren’t clubbers, or drinkers, or pot smokers (at least I don’t think so.) These are women who have had children and are at least 30 and over. These women may be tight on a budget, but not so much they can’t buy a lined bra from Wal-mart.

The young women here at this establishment are sensible. They wear lined bras but for some reason their clothes are borderline skanky. I suppose it’s a choice between the lesser of two evils.
You may now think I see nipples as evil, or think I am the Monica Lewinsky of tight slutty clothes. I am not. I am reserved, and wear lined bra’s…not from Wal-mart; but Calvin Klein--- top notch sling-shot booby holders, highly recommended if you got 45 bucks to burn (or 85 if you want the matching underwear)

Now since I am lucky that they are wearing a bra at all, we could go on about how some nipples look like potholes, erasers, googly eyes, pancakes or pizza’s but I wont. I mean they are wearing bras so I can’t get a detailed look at these nips.

So if you know who I am, and I am not looking at your face when we cross paths in the hall, I am probably looking at your nipples and giving them a rating of a scale from 1 to 5.

It was mentioned that we should have stickers given out to these women in order to keep the nipple problem under control. Imagine, a fluorescent yellow sticker on a women’s breast….It would cause more commotion than just secretly rating them (that slut over there is a 2 because they are drooping round her waist) They would stick out so much that we would have newborns knocking down the doors and beating the shit out of security with kung-fu kicks to get to these yummy yummy nipples.

Honey

Now that I imagine you are no longer sucking on your momma's teat (or sucking on daddy's teat) I would like to discuss the closest thing to mothers milk. Honey.

That’s right honey is the shit. I have the world’s sweetest sweet tooth ever. I refuse to keep it in my house because I will attack that honey pot with a big old wooden spoon or my hairy paw like Winnie the Pooh. It’s has been about 5 years since my last taste of honey……because it’s that addicting.

Now after doing a search for “Honey” in Google this is what I found:








Bees are obvious as well as honey combs and jars filled with sweet sweet liquid gold. Now Jessica Alba also made a movie called “Honey” her skin and hair are like honey and I am sure she tastes just as sweet. After all she is quite a hot sexy lady who does give me penis envy. I will have to create a blog just dedicated to her.

Now lets turn our attention to the honey comb and jar…….its golden and runny, please don’t tell me that this looks appetizing like a doctor’s jar of piss because if your piss is this fucking dark you are dehydrated.

Now you may ask, “Oh Gravity how can I truly enjoy the wonderful tastes of honey to its maximum god giving potential?”

I will quite simply respond, “With your hairy palm, numb-nuts” and hopefully it’s AFTER you washed your hands from masturbating so much (hence the hairy palms)

But most people are pansies and can’t stand the sticky sensation of it on their ball scratcher hands (due to some psychological bullshit from child hood from fingering daddy’s sticky (not stinky) anus.

So here are the other ways to enjoy it:

Put honey on the freshest bread you can find with a thin layer of butter.

Put fresh bread in toaster…. top with butter and honey (this may sound like the exact same suggestion as above; but both taste VERY different) the warm toast will melt the butter and make the honey nice and runny.

It’s awesome in yogurt

Its great on ice-cream…..the honey thickens and gets kind of chewy

Honey does in fact have a flavour not just sweetness, which is why I won’t include recipes for honey, because I want everyone to enjoy the simplicity of honey tasting without clouding it up with evil baking/cooking tactics.

Now quit reading my shitty thoughts and go buy a big ol’ jar of honey. Numb-nuts.

Giant Worm

For sentimental reasons...this huge worm can grow to about 13 feet and live (estimated) 10 years or more.......man imagine this inside of you

Newbie

Yes thats right I am a newbie, and can't figure this thing out. My friend at work got me suckered into signing up for this thing and I can't post a picture. Dammit, and I had so much porn to post.

The only mildly interesting thing I can think about today is about a month ago when it was raining I was walking to work from the parking lot. I had noticed a worm on the road and wondered if it was going to find its way back to the grass before the sun came out. I thought for a second, maybe I should pick the stupid fucker up and stick him in the grass, naw I thought, he can find his own way home.

Well low in behold the very next day I was walking to work from the parking lot and saw the stupid bloody worm all crusty and hard......you dumb shit...now I bet you want a proper burial. I wonder if they would be like a fruit fly you can stick in the freezer and get them frozen and then thaw them out and they come back to life. MMMM dehydrated worm brought back to life with 3 drops of water. Neat-o

Eye Cut

~ Take Me Someplace Safe ~

Beyonce's Dirty Secret

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